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1. |
Somebody Else's Penis
05:05
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On my wedding day, I promised I would have and hold
One man and his appendages til I was dead and cold
Well, that plan lasted 'bout ten months, and then he upped and left
It sounds so simple, but it wasn't, and I was bereft
Fast-forward an acceptable, but short amount of time
And I found myself chatting with a lovely man online
We went on a few dates, he was patient, he was kind
And so I let him take me home with one thing on my mind
And all of a sudden, there it was
Somebody else's penis
A penis I'd never seen before
Somebody else's penis
And as it gets hard, it gets hard to ignore
That this isn't the penis I married
Not that I married a penis
I married a man with a penis attached
Not that all men have penises
It's clear that a penis does not make a man
But this one was firmly attached to a man
But it isn't the man that I married
And it certainly isn't his penis
I feel I ought to clarify that things are really over
With the man I married - that's to say, I'm not a rover
But up until that moment, I'd been more or less resigned
To the fact I'd only ever see his penis 'til I died
But when it comes down to it, I'm not called to be a nun
Sex isn't just for procreation, it's a lot of fun
So hey, why not get busy? What have I got to lose?
I'm free to get my nipples out for anyone I choose
And after some foreplay, there it was
Somebody else's penis
A penis I'd never seen before
Somebody else's penis
And as it gets hard, it gets hard to ignore
That this isn't the penis I married
Not that I married a penis
Nor did I marry a man for his penis
If I wanted a penis, I'd go out and buy one
It's clear that a penis does not make a man
But this one was firmly attached to a man
But it isn't the man that I married
And it certainly isn't his penis
Now that I'm no longer attached to the man
Who's attached to the penis I married
I can attach myself to any penis
In a no-strings-attached kind of way
So there I was, eagerly looking at
Somebody else's penis
A penis I'd never seen before
Somebody else's penis
And as it gets hard, it gets hard to ignore
That this isn't the penis I married
No, I did not marry a penis
Though he did turn out to be a bit of a dick
That has nothing to do with his physical dick
And the penis in front of me is very nice
I've got nothing but nice things to say about it
But it isn't the penis I married
And it's certainly not attached to that man
Which, at this point, is a major relief
I'm so glad to be touching
Somebody else's penis
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2. |
Lady Garden
02:48
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I work in advertising, where our motto and our creed
Is to sell all sorts of things to people they don't really need
I get capitalism and its role from day to day
That's just how the world works, and I've got bills to pay
But we're asked to put certain things delicately
While at the same time, keeping things rated PG
Lady garden
Time to tidy up down there
Lady garden
Goodbye to unwanted hair
If you don't tame your lady garden
You're a filthy slob
But if I say the word 'vagina'
I could lose my job
I'm not someone who subscribes to a gender binary
I think gender's not determined by the parts with which you pee
You're fine to call your genitals by any name you choose
And to be honest, lady garden's not the term I use
But we're asked to keep it fluffy as we write
And to make the nether regions seem polite
Lady garden
Time to tidy up down there
Lady garden
Goodbye to unwanted hair
If you don't tame your lady garden
You can't leave the house
And you'll never be forgiven
By your lover or your spouse
If it were up to me
I'd say, "just let it be
and do whatever you're inclined to do"
Although it makes me nervous
I'm just here to sell a service
So I'm trying to make it appeal to you
But in a vague, non-threatening way
So sit back and relax
As someone rips your pubic hair out with some heated wax
Lady garden
Time to tidy up down there
Lady garden
Goodbye to unwanted hair
If you don't tame your lady garden
You can't leave the house
And you'll never be forgiven
By your lover or your spouse
Lady garden
Time to tidy up down there
Lady garden
Goodbye to unwanted hair
If you don't tame your lady garden
You're a filthy slob
But if I say the word 'vagina'
I could lose my job
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3. |
Whaaaaaale!
02:27
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So I’m walking downtown
on a summer's day
thinking about things like
life and love
and the fact that bras are really expensive
for no apparent reason
when some teenage boys
walk toward me
and I don’t think much of it
because teenage boys
stop being relevant to me
in the early 2000s
and they look right at me
then they start to laugh
and point and snigger
and then they start shouting
Whaaaaaaaale!
Whaaaaaaaale!
because I’m fat
That’s original
so I’m walking downtown
on a summer’s day
thinking about things like
why do I leave the house
when I’m clearly disgusting enough
to make kids start yelling
and I keep on walking
and start to wonder
what their mums would say
if they heard them hassling a stranger
about something that’s none of their business
but it’s not uncommon
for people to have an opinion
about other people’s bodies
but most refrain from shouting
Whaaaaaaaale!
Whaaaaaaaale!
because that’s really fucking rude
so I’m walking downtown
on a summer’s day
that feels a bit less sunny
because people are assholes
and I want to go home
but I still have to buy loo roll
and I think about how
at least I’m kind enough to smile at strangers
instead of saying things designed to hurt
Just because I can
and that diet and exercise
can change your body
but cannot change your soul
and I’d rather be a whale
than someone who thinks it’s okay to be a dick
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4. |
Internet Porn
04:10
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In a time before digital natives and noobs
You could still use the internet to look at boobs
But that wasn’t enough and so folks persevered
Got super creative and then shit got weird
Some feel it’s artistic, some feel it has class
Some just want to see things get shoved up an ass
Yes, back before most of us were even born
There’s always existed weird internet porn
Oh, internet porn can pretty damn wild
You never quite know what you’ll find
Some things I feel I can see the appeal
But others I’d like to block out of my mind
Some folks want outlandish fantasies come true
Some want to see things that they wish they could do
Some stuff’s realistic and grounded in truth
Some stuff you can’t do and there’s medical proof
I don’t mean to nitpick, condemn or frustrate
But you have to know buttholes don’t self-lubricate
When you’re in that area, best to take care
Find some quality lube and take time to prepare
I once quizzed a man on what he did prefer
I asked “what’s the appeal of a tentacle, sir?”
He answered me thus in a manner quite plain
“Versatility. They can insert and restrain.
And sometimes they’re moist and sometimes they are dry
You can put them in places down low and up high.”
“Fascinating,” said I, then went on my way
I regret ever asking to this very day
When it comes down to it, I say live and let live
My opinion’s not something you asked me to give
And if you’re into things that’ll make my head tilt
I’m not interested in trying to make you feel guilt
Go ahead and enjoy as folks clutch at their pearls
Just keep it well clear of young boys and young girls
Let conservatives work themselves into a flutter
But the mind of mankind’s always been in the gutter
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5. |
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Take my hand and hold it tight
The moon is full, the stars are bright
My darling, it’s a lovely night
For punching Nazis
We don’t agree on everything
I like the winter, I the spring
But we’re both full of zip and zing
For punching Nazis
We’ll saunter down the boulevard
Dressed in our Sunday clothes
Then find a white supremacist
And punch him right in the nose
(Or in the testicles)
There are folks who don’t approve
‘To talk them round would be more smooth’
But we propose a countermove
Just punch a nazi
We find it really quite surreal
They say the Holocaust ain’t real
It’s times like this, my dear, I feel
Like punching Nazis
If you and I should see a chap
Talking ‘bout the master race
We’ll just extend a friendly hand
And slap him around the face
(Or in the testicles)
The night has vanished in a trice
The whole affair has been so nice
There’s Richard Spencer - punch him twice
That fucking Nazi
We’ve really had a lovely time
We don’t think it should be a crime
And darling, ain’t it been sublime
To punch a nazi
Nazi
Nazi nazi nazi
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6. |
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It’s been a while without it
But it looks that Covid’s back
It’s no time for complacency
There’s no time to be slack
We watch all the news reports
So we know all the regs
And the Covid Response Minister
Chris Hipkins
Says get out and spread your legs
I don’t remember this from last time
But it’s a fresh start
And if the minister says ‘part ‘em’
Then we all must do our part
Keep the parties to a minimum
This ain't the time for kegs
Go and spread the timely message that it’s time to spread your legs
A lot of folks might spend their time in lockdown baking bread
But supermarket shelves are lacking flour
So good for you, Chris Hipkins, for suggesting that instead
We focus on the kind of thing that’s followed by a shower
But keep the guest list small
In a neighbourly situation
Menage-a-trois will lead you straight
To menage-d isolation
Pop cherries without bubbles
But with whom, the question begs:
since you're your safest sex partner, go on and spread your legs
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7. |
The End of the World
03:20
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Everybody’s talking ‘bout the end of the world
Everybody’s talking ‘bout the end of the world
Everybody’s talking ‘bout the end of the world
And that’s fine, that’s fine
It’s totally fine
It’s fine!
Looks like we’re getting used to this
Straight up existing in the midst of the apocalypse
Looks like there’s always something more
Open the door to find new horrors lie in store
Oh, but that’s just the new normal now
It’s just the day to day
The wheels of industry must turn
And we’ve got bills to pay
But if the world is going to end
In fire and brimstone, flood and rain
Could it please do it now
So I don’t have to write that email
Yeah, if the world is gonna end
In plague and lightning, blood and pain
Could it please do it now
Because this email isn’t gonna write itself
Looks like we’re getting used to how
Watching the world burn down is just what we do now
Looks like nobody has a clue
Everything gets drowned out by people who just think they do
Oh, but that’s just the new normal now
It’s just the day to day
The wheels of industry must turn
And we’ve got bills to pay
But if the world is going to end
In fire and brimstone, flood and rain
Could it please do it now
So I don’t have to write that email
Yeah, if the world is gonna end
In plague and lightning, blood and pain
Could it please do it now
Because this email isn’t gonna write itself
I’m so tired that I’m not sleeping
I’m so scared I can’t think straight
I’m so bored that I could scream
And all that I can do is wait
And the future’s so uncertain
We just take what we can get
And the world just keeps on turning on
Tell me, when did that start sounding like a threat?
It feels like a threat!
But if the world is going to end
In fire and brimstone, flood and rain
Could it please do it now
So I don’t have to write that email
Yeah, if the world is gonna end
In plague and lightning, blood and pain
Could it please do it now
Because this email isn’t gonna write itself
Everybody’s talking ‘bout the end of the world
Everybody’s talking ‘bout the end of the world
Everybody’s talking ‘bout the end of the world
And that’s fine, that’s fine
It’s totally fine
It’s fine!
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8. |
A Good Investment
03:54
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I’m having trouble sleeping
It seems I can’t stop my mind
Running through the things that I’m supposed to be
But I don’t count sheep
I alphabetise each one of my failings
I’ve never made it past
The letter E
E for Egocentric
Since I never shut the hell up about me
Is home a place or person or an organ in your chest?
Am I meant to feel there’s somewhere I belong?
If I arm myself with charm can I trick people into caring?
Will it be enough to make them think I’m strong?
Or is it just cellophane
That everyone could see through all along?
And if I earned a dollar for each thing I got right
And owed one for the things that I got wrong
How would it all balance?
Would I be a good investment?
Would I cancel myself out?
Would I be worth it?
What’s the point in trying to predict what’s coming next
When so far nothing’s worked out as I planned?
Are the things I want so out of reach or is it all my fault?
Am I stupid? Do I just not understand?
Or was there a moment
Where I screwed up and let life get out of hand?
I’m having trouble sleeping, I’m not sure exactly why
But I feel a bit like I’m a nerve exposed
Like I’m buzzing on a frequency that isn’t quite my own
Like my skin’s on inside out inside my clothes
I don’t know if it’s a comfort
If this feeling’s something everybody knows
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9. |
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10. |
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11. |
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Making the beast with two backs? You know what to do next.
Sung: Always Pee After Sex!
Doing the no-pants dance? You know what to do next.
Sung: Always Pee After Sex!
Groping for trout in a peculiar river? You know what to do next.
Sung: Always Pee After Sex!Sung: Always Pee After Sex!
Harpooning the salty longshoreman? You know what to do next.
Sung: Always Pee After Sex!
Getting to know someone in the biblical sense? You know what to do next.
Sung: Always Pee After Sex!
Enjoying the old horizontal refreshment? You know what to do next.
Sung: Always Pee After Sex!
Taking a turn at bushy park? You know what to do next.
Sung: Always Pee After Sex!
Parking the pink Plymouth in the garage of love? You know what to do next.
Sung: Always Pee After Sex!
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12. |
Commercial: Adult Points
03:42
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13. |
Commercial: Time is Fake
00:39
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14. |
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15. |
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16. |
Commercial: Nutri-WOW!
02:34
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17. |
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18. |
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19. |
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20. |
Commercial: Celery
00:07
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Troubadette New Zealand
In the 12th century, troubadours sang songs of chivalry to noble families. In the 21st century, Troubadette sings songs of bikini waxing, dismemberment, and some guy's dick to anyone who'll listen. Channeling the energy of a kindergarten teacher and the wisdom of your favourite wine aunty, Troubadette has been making musical mayhem across Aotearoa for over 20 years. ... more
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